How Married Narcissists Play Their Victims

These pathological predators straddle the familial fence between two worlds without ever breaking a sweat

Married narcissists are the most prolific of all the other narcissists on the playground simply because they can live in two worlds without breaking a sweat. Indeed, a married narcissist can reside in suburbia with the wife and kids and, at the same time, carry on one or more relationships outside of the marriage without caving to any pressure whatsoever.

The married narc’s abilities to lie on-the-fly, to convince all victims (including the spouse) that his intentions are always on the up-and-up, and to be, seemingly, in two places at once are unsurpassed and put this particular predator at a pathological level above the average narcissist.

[Note: I refer to the married narc as “he” throughout this article only because 98% of the stories shared with me are from partners who are female. I am well aware that female narcs exist and, in fact, can often beat the male narcissist hands down in the evil department.]

How a married narcissist works

Through my discussions with countless partners of married narcissists worldwide, I have been able to pinpoint the following characteristics:

1. A married narcissist will typically (but not always) be an online predator so that extramarital affairs can remain, if not long-distance or across town, in cyberspace. Amazingly enough, the narc will have profiles on numerous dating apps and throughout social media that show his relationship status as either divorced or separated (when he obviously is neither) or “complicated”, a narc favorite. This ability to be everywhere online while married or in “committed” relationships showcases the narcissist’s talent for keeping numerous worlds from colliding.
2. A married narcissist typically, but not always, will be a high-level narcissist, meaning that he has a good job and/or a good deal of money. At the very least, he is highly self-sufficient. I call this the 5-Star Deception. Having money makes it much easier for a narcissist to carry on multiple affairs or one long-term without tipping off the wife. He often has a job that conveniently requires him to travel often out of town (and even out of the country) on a regular basis. Having money also means that the married narcissist can quickly book vacations or send flowers and/or extravagant gifts to appease the lover should she become disenchanted with his mind-boggling and hurtful behaviors. He may even play the most devious version of The Cell Phone Game and have two phones, one for each of his deceitful lives.
3. A married narcissist always love-bombs his target more intensely than the average narcissist simply because he’s under more of a time constraint. The sooner he hooks the new girl, the lesser chance that finding out he’s married or still married will cause her to exit the affair. Like any other narcissist, the end game is always to get away with the ruse for as long as humanly possible. Some women have been involved with the narc as a mistress for as long or nearly as long as the narcissist has been married.
4. The target of a married narcissist may not initially suspect that this new guy is married because of his ability to spend so much time with her. After all, how can a guy be married if he’s able to hop on the next plane out at the drop of a hat? OR how can he possibly be married if he’s able to take off for a week to the Caribbean without appearing the least bit stressed? OR how can he possibly be married if we’re always texting or on the phone together? Sorry, but it is all possible in the life of a married narcissist. Because a narcissist learns to efficiently compartmentalize every aspect of his pathetic life, he can be completely stress-free with whomever he’s with!
5. A narcissist marries for many reasons but the biggest reason is that it makes him appear to be a normal guy. Clearly, being married to a wonderful woman is good for appearances and makes the narc look (and even feel) like any other guy in the group. However, the novelty of normalcy wears off quick and the affairs, if they ever ended at all, will begin. That being said, the narcissist is rarely willing to give the marriage up because he feels justified in having multiple worlds! After all, if all it takes to keep the ruse afloat on either side is to tell a few lies…well, shit, that’s easy! Don’t ever forget…a narcissist’s entire life is all about what he can get away with day to day.

To lie or not to lie & other exciting narc conundrums

Now, what’s funny about married narcissists is that somewhere along the line they realized that flat out lying to a new target about their marital status never works in their favor. However, this doesn’t stop them from doing it…they’ve simply had to perfect the “work around”.

Many married narcissists will actually begin the love-bombing stage by admitting to the marriage up front and then quickly downplaying it’s importance. Other narcs will choose to hook the target first and then drop the bomb followed by the downplay. This option is risky, of course, but has nonetheless been proven successful.

Assuming she’s in the dark, when the long-term, already-hooked mistress/target finds out or is told about the marriage, the narcissist will likely explain that he was just in the process of filing for divorce when they met but the affair simply distracted him. Now that she knows, he’ll get right on that!

He will spew an array of narcissistic word garbage, insisting that the marriage is one of convenience only (“We haven’t slept together in years!”) and that his wife is a psycho who cheats on him and/or neglects him and he’s been working with a lawyer to make sure she doesn’t take him for a ride. An experienced narc will always add a few crocodile tears to accompany this story…to ensure a sympathetic win.

Then there are those married narcs who only set their sights on mistresses who are already married. When the time is right, he convinces the married mistress to leave her husband for the new relationship…to actually move out and wait for him to follow shortly… and then he either disappears outright, announces that he’s changed his mind, or he promptly ends the relationship for no reason. Either way, the devastation felt by his victim is monumental. Many are on the brink of suicide.

Needless to say, any story told by a narcissist, let alone a married one, is deceptive. 98.9% of the time, the wife of a narc is living the same anxious life as the mistress…a life full of suspicions, silent treatments, and some incredible (but obviously believable) future-faking. This is all by design. If the married narcissist is especially polished and pathological, he may even, just for fun, deliberately triangulate one woman with the other.

I heard countless stories of secondary victims having numerous conversations with the wife, both arguing with the other about who the narcissist really loves. Sometimes, to the horror of the mistress, the narc will openly be sitting alongside the wife, egging her on. This measure, as extreme as it is, immediately acquits him in the home court while forcing him to up his apology game later with the mistress. That’s okay with the narc who is always up for such a challenge!

What I find particularly distressing are the stories where the married narcissist actually convinces a long-distance lover to move across country (and even across continents) to where he lives under the premise that a divorce is imminent (which it never is). Often, he will flat out lie by saying that it’s okay to make the move because he’s already divorced or separated. In other words, trust me, the coast is clear, come over, after which he will be nowhere to be found.

The reason for a move request is simple: the wife has likely caught on or, at the very least, become highly suspicious and perhaps hopping on a plane to visit his mistress is no longer an option. Unbeknownst to the mistress, the move is for convenience only. This is the ultimate future-fake.

Then, there are those married narcs who only set their sights on mistresses who are already married. When the time is right, he will convince the married mistress to leave her husband for the new relationship and then disappear himself soon after.

Interestingly enough, 99.99% of the married and single victims that I speak with who are involved with married narcissists adamantly insist that, before the affair, they would have never even considered cheating on their own husbands or getting involved with a married man. It simply wasn’t part of their nature.

Moreover, it is very rare that the secondary person, even in all of her pain, ever bashes the wife. She may feel jealous and even engage in heated conversations with the narcissist’s spouse but, at the end of the day, she says nothing derogatory. Why? Because deep down, anyone who has ever been involved with a narc “partner” knows that this person is a liar wherever he goes and with whomever he’s with.

Typically, and with humble sadness, whether you experience the relationship as a wife, mistress, or as a single girlfriend with a single narc, you eventually come to the understanding that any “other woman” in the situation is just like you.

So, for those who wonder why a mistress or wife continues to stay with the narcissist knowing what she knows, the answer is that the narcissist is basically the same person to each woman. He lies with the same believable demeanor, makes the same promises for the future and will insist to one that the other is a psycho that he just can’t seem to get rid of…..it goes on and on.

Both the wife and the lover are victims and in both cases, the victim wants to believe that this person that they love is telling the truth. I call this quagmire situation a codependency to hope and it will get us in trouble almost every time.

To read my article “Exposing the Evils of Modern Day Narcissism” on Medium, click here

All cheaters are not created equally

Now, to be clear, this article isn’t about the married “normal” partner who has been monogamous for ten years and then messes up and is sorry for it. While this type of behavior is never okay, there’s a difference. While every narcissist is a cheater, not every cheater is narcissist. Shit happens and, hopefully, a strong marriage between partners who actually communicate can work through it.

But narcissism, as most of us know, isn’t about just one single behavior…it’s about many specific behaviors or tactics, all seemingly taken from the same narcissistic playbook.

The married narc, in all his polished glory, takes these tactics and steps it up a notch. He is the King of Kings of all the average narcs…he is the Hostess with the Mostess. If you suspect your partner, do the research and connect the dots. Trust your gut instinct, listen to your intuition and never deny the evidence.

Do not be fooled by this most prolific and highly polished King Pin of all the narcissistic predators.

Are you involved with a married narcissist? I would love to guide you out of the rabbit hole. Please visit my blog TheNarcissisticPersonality.com to learn more about narcissism in relationships and to book some time to chat.

Original version published at https://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com