Exposing the Evils of Modern-Day Narcissism
Clinical confusion aside, those with first-hand experience know all too well the intention of these opportunistic emotional predators.
I grew up never knowing just how evil a true narcissist could be. Like most, I associated the term ‘narcissism’ with self-absorption and conceit but on a very non-threatening level. In fact, this old-school definition left over from some Greek myth fairy tale was likely created by narcs themselves to keep people in the dark.
The true, modern day meaning of the word ‘narcissistic’ carries serious and quite evil connotations and affects millions of people. In the world of relationships, the very thought of a narcissist, by its modern day meaning, can strike fear in the hearts of the average woman and man. For those with experience, it’s the stuff of nightmares.
But trying to expose this shit has been difficult over the last twenty years because the narcissists have been in charge.
As the ex-partner of a narcissistic abuser, I turned lemons into lemonade in 2011 and made narcissism my business. Being a writer by trade, this was easy to do. I simply stopped suffering and started writing… first, a book (When Love Is a Lie, one of four) and then, shortly thereafter, a 95-article blog (TheNarcissisticPersonality.com). And the hundreds of people I met along the journey have been second to none.
But with my new business, came a bigger obligation: I needed to learn the dynamics of the narcissistic personality inside and out to the point that I could predict it. This task is tough as the narcissistic psyche always appears to be upgrading.
Recently, a question came to me…
When exactly, and how exactly, did the term “narcissist” evolve from defining a non-threatening person who adores his or her own reflection to defining a person who is innately motivated to emotionally destroy, in a variety of very specific ways, the life of anyone with whom he or she engages?
Certainly, no one perceived these conceited little primpers who we knew and maybe loved as having a disorder. That would have been ridiculous.
Psychology books ignored it. Psychologists refused to diagnose or discuss it. As a result of this negligence, victims of this unique style of emotional abuse, just ten years ago, were shit out of luck. The narcissist, on the other hand, was feeling damn lucky.
Even as late as 2012, when I wrote my first book, there were only a few of us who dared to talk about the experience from the victim’s point of view. Now, of course, the bandwagon is full…and still the exposed narcissist can not be stopped.
In other words, the narcissist — who is nothing if not an opportunist — appears to have flown under the radar until around 9/11 and then, after that, with society still in a state of shock, the onslaught of bad behaviors began. These behaviors had always been there, of course, but my theory is that we weren’t oblivious but rather too ‘happily distracted’ to notice. When world tragedy struck, so did the true, new meaning of narcissism. We didn’t see it coming.
Narcissists could have cared less about 9/11 but what they did care about — and quite gleefully, I might add — was the fact that the emotions of normal people had turned to mush. This was completely understandable given the horrific event, but a narcissist will always take advantage. Piles of mush can not defend themselves.
Narcissists are wired for patience
In my mind, up until 2001, societal pressures, at least for Baby Boomers, were few and, for various reasons, partners of narcissists felt ‘carefree’ enough to be amused by the same behaviors that would later devastate. We had become complacent and even complicit, choosing to look the other way, because life was, for the most part, fairly simple.
And during it all, our narcissistic partners were quietly predatory in nature, as if waiting on a catastrophe of sorts to tip the scales of opportunity in their favor. Yes, narcissists are wired for patience when it comes to crisis opportunity.
(To read my article “How Married Narcissists Play Their Victims” on Medium, click here)
After 2001, when those who were once carefree became anxious and vulnerable, it was the perfect storm. Anxious people can be easily controlled. It’s a strategy pulled right from the Narcissist’s Universal Playbook and used regularly, and quite openly, by the very people who create such world catastrophes: never let a good crisis go to waste…
[Humorous side note: As I am writing this, I’m having a a sheepish ‘a-ha’ moment. One of my ex’s ‘talents” was that he has a photographic memory for world history events including dates, times, places and characters. He was also quite good at predicting the behaviors of rouge nations…you can’t make this shit up. I encouraged him to become a history teacher but, of course, using his historical prowess for the better good wasn’t part of his plan. Little did I know. But I digress…]
So, post 9/11, the old definition of narcissism began to take on a new and much darker meaning. Online, people…mostly women at first…began to talk and compare stories. The truth was coming out. Terms like gas-lighting, silent treatments, and love-bombing began to surface. Narcissism was becoming an actual niche.
Clinical Confusion in the Trenches
Meanwhile, in the global arena, psychiatric professionals were scrambling for answers. Client after client, the stories were all but interchangeable and the narcissist, from his perch outside, deliberately and meticulously confused the issues with chameleon-like finesse. Psychologists refused to acknowledge the term “narcissist”, choosing instead to lump these emotional predators in with your average jerks.
In 2015, the American Journal of Psychiatry, in the article “Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic & Clinical Challenges”, actually admitted the industry’s inability to understand:
“Diagnostic confusion surrounding narcissistic personality disorder reflects the disorder’s highly variable presentation…Individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder may be grandiose or self-loathing, an extrovert or socially isolated, or captains of industry or unable to maintain steady employment…Given this, it is far from self-evident what such individuals could have in common to justify a shared diagnosis.” (Caligor, Levy, & Yeomans, M.D.; Vol 172, Issue 5)”
In other words, studies concluded that the characteristics of this so-called ‘narcissistic personality’ were so diverse from person to person that it was impossible to make a definitive diagnosis that could be used across the board. Clearly, they missed the point.
Narcissists, by nature, are con artists and chameleons who behave in very specific, seemingly universal, ways. Hence, the Playbook analogy. They can be whomever they want or need to be in a moment’s notice. This is the core and con of the operation. The narcissist’s notorious lack of empathy and moral compass is often only recognizable to the recipient of the abuse. Outside of the relationship, narcissists can appear to be quite normal.
Medical professionals obviously were fooled and although the clinical understanding of the disorder has significantly improved, it still happens. Victims are still dismissed and even blamed for the suffering caused by narcissistic abuse. They are told that it is much ado about nothing and to look inward. I hear about it every day.
To a narcissist, every day, all day, it’s all about what he or she can get away with. It is who they are. It is what they do. And they are good at it.
Modern-day narcissism is cleverly disguised
Yes, the definition of narcissism has evolved. Of that, we can be sure. But there is still much work to do. Those with eyes to see recognize these perpetrators everywhere. They don’t just exist in our homes and bedrooms. In fact, the narcissists within our personal space are just reflections (pun intended) of a bigger picture.
Narcissism today exists at all levels of society, cleverly disguised. Narcissists mock us from the television set, the news room and the campaign trail. They teach and groom our children in the classrooms. They patrol our streets, run our churches and reside over courtrooms. And when they feel a lack of control, they will intentionally create world catastrophes and crises, to the extreme detriment of innocent people, just to gain it back.
COVID-19 is yet another confirmation of this phenomena and a perfect example of life imitating art. Narcissists, the masters of disguise and artificial faces, are, for the first time in history, encouraged by society to hide behind a literal ‘mask’ as they feign compassion for the sick and vulnerable. Truly amazing. Another crisis where narcissism is flourishing. This time, with permission.
But I digress again…
To be fair, we are, for the most part, not talking about serial killers and therefore, people might argue that compassion is warranted because of what must have occurred to make a narcissist behave in this manner. I do not buy into this.
Since narcissists are intelligent beings with the ability to think critically and given that many become successful and even powerful and have their own families, my own sympathy toward their plight is negligible.
Narcissists are simply so mean and deceitful that I really don’t care how they got that way. There…I said it. The narcissistic personality is as simple as it is complex.
And with millions of narcissists roaming the planet, knowledge, continued education, and ongoing discussions will always be our best weaponry for keeping these opportunistic, emotional predators at bay.
Do you question whether your partner is a narcissist? If you do, please feel free to contact me via my website. I would be happy to enlighten you.
Originally published at https://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com on October 25, 2021.
